Ever wake from a nightmare, or maybe even a day dream, that felt so real that the second you find out it was all in your head, you can't help but bite your tongue at the words, "But it did happen," or maybe even you have to stop a moment and think, "Did that really happen, or did I dream it?" I get this sensation constantly and a large amount of the time I find myself wondering what's real and what I made up in my head. If it weren't for the fact that I know I'm completely sane of mind, I would probably be constantly persuading myself that I am, indeed, completely and utterly out of my mind insane. But my life isn't interesting enough to allow me to go that far.
Another thing I'm compelled to question is.. Have you ever watched someone walk out of your life, completely turn their back on you and vanish into thin air? With time, of course, you build your life back up. You start over, you take a deep breath, and you whisper within your heart, "They don't matter anymore. For all you care at this point, they're dead to you." Life is going good, things are going just as they should but of all a sudden, they show back up on your doorstep. Apologizing. Telling you they miss you, making you remember everything, ripping those partially healed stitches wide open to the point that your gasping for air, clinging to the last sane thought you have with shaking and trembling hands, hoping and praying to anything that it will just all.. end. That this feeling will pass, and things will go back to normal. You'll wake from this incredibly realistic dream. Yet, at the same time, you're praying with every fiber of your being that you're wrong. That this is not a dream, and that it will never end. That maybe somehow.. Just somehow.. Things fall back into place and heal.
Call me a dreamer, or a lunatic.
But sometimes I can't even let go of the things that caused me pain in the past. Maybe because.. Even though they've caused me pain, they also caused me to feel a lot more than that. Maybe I'm just holding onto that at this point.